The Complicated Decision to Expand Our Family After IVF
By Cristina DiBartolomeo, MA, LPC
What do you do when you want to expand your family, but you know you'll have to go through IVF again in order to make it happen?
Lately, I have had one particular quote circling around inside my head over and over again:
You would think this quote is pretty helpful, right? Uplifting and encouraging? The issue with this quote (for me, that is) is that my upcoming chapter looks a lot like a previous chapter. And if I’m being completely honest, I really do not want to re-read it.
Recently, my husband and I have been talking about growing our family and what that may look like for us. Our beautiful miracle baby girl recently turned one, and it has left us feeling all the feels and wanting more children.
Our road to becoming a family of three was anything but easy. It was filled with twists and turns, a heartbreaking loss, and a journey through IVF that we never saw coming. If we want to expand our family and have another child, it means a whole new set of unknowns.
It is a weird feeling to be on the other side of our first battle with infertility (as I write these words I look around my house and see the familiar signs of a toddler at play); yet, at the same time, I am back in the horrible head space of “what if’s?” and once again feeling the sting of pregnancy announcements happening around me.
You see, the tricky thing about infertility is that it doesn’t just end when a baby comes along. For some, infertility can remain a continuous battle to be fought in order to grow their family. For others, infertility can lead to a childless life that they are totally unprepared for. Not every journey ends with a child, and not every child is the end of a journey.
When we became pregnant with our daughter, my husband and I both felt a huge wave of gratefulness wash over us. IVF had worked. Everything we gave of ourselves throughout our fertility journey had led us to that moment, and it was all so worth it. At that point in time, it was almost like we could close the door on infertility and open the door to parenthood. I have been so blessed over the past year that I have sometimes forgotten that my infertility door is not locked shut. It may have been closed for a while, but it is still very much there, waiting to be reopened.
And now, what I find myself experiencing are unwelcome comments such as, “Just try naturally. Your body knows how to get pregnant now,” or “Maybe you won’t need all of that [IVF] again.” I know that people mean well, but these comments are like a knife slicing into my heart, because I know a natural pregnancy is simply not in the cards for us. If we want another child, it means another round of IVF with no guarantees. Even writing that sentence brings back every dark, scary emotion from just a few years ago.
I have given myself a great deal of time to sit with my thoughts and feelings about our next steps, and something that keeps coming up for me is the idea that we do not talk about this topic nearly as much as we should. We don’t talk about the failed adoptions, the continual rounds of IVF that leave couples with no viable embryos, the countless IUI procedures that do not take, the couples who decide it is time to stop trying.
We don’t discuss how emotionally difficult it is to build ourselves up into a space that feels safe enough to try again. We don’t talk about the guilt we hold if we are lucky enough to have a child but still want more. We don’t express how that guilt can spread into questioning the type of parent we will be to the child(ren) we already have while trying so hard to fight for the opportunity to have another. We don’t discuss these things because they are tough subjects. They are sad. They are sometimes too much for people to handle.
If you find yourself struggling with similar emotions and are unsure of how to move forward, I want to share some steps toward healing:
Acknowledge what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing.
In the therapy world, we call this sitting in your discomfort. This isn’t fun, it isn’t easy, but it is necessary. You must meet your emotions and thoughts head-on so that you can figure out what is underneath your feelings. You must come to terms with the fear, worry, and anxiety that you are experiencing and find the true cause. For some, it may not take long to pinpoint exactly what tough stuff is hiding inside. For others, it may take a little longer to get to the root. But once you do, once you have uncovered all of the heaviness, you must move on to step two.
Listen to your heart.
Our minds have a way of playing tricks on our hearts. We can be swept up in statistics, numbers, medical opinions, and stories from others’ experiences. My hope is that you can find a moment to quiet your mind enough to truly tune in to what your heart is telling you. Your heart knows that your journey is yours alone. Your heart will guide you to the realization that there is still fight left in you to keep going, or perhaps your heart will tell you that it’s time to take a different path. Your heart knows the answer to your hardest questions. And lastly, you’ll need to move on to step three.
Follow what your heart is telling you.
It is one thing to listen to what our hearts are calling us to do. However, it is finding the trust to follow our heart’s desires that can be the most difficult task. I challenge you to reach deep down and immerse yourself in the courage and strength you have been building over time and walk the path your heart is laying out for you. I know it is not easy; I am currently struggling down my own path. I know I will stumble—you may stumble too—but I also know that at the end of our journeys we will land on our feet. The finish line may not look like we once imagined it would, but I’m betting our road to get there didn’t either and somehow, someway, we are getting closer every day.
No matter what your heart is calling you to do, I truly hope you are able to follow it and that you find happiness no matter where it leads you.
Cristina DiBartolomeo, MA, LPC is a fertility coach, licensed counselor, IVF warrior, and proud mama to a beautiful miracle baby girl. Cristina uses her experiences with infertility as well as her professional background to create a space where women feel welcome. If you would like to learn more about the benefits of fertility coaching or set up a complimentary coaching session with Cristina, please visit www.theenlightenedmommy.com.